Huge bf problem, need alot of advice asap please?

[ConfusedInLa]

Hi
Here goes
I have been knowing my bf since May of last year. I met him when I started karate. He didn't ask me out till november. We just had a 2 month anniversary. He is 23 and I am 28. I love being around him. We never really argue(he usually just sits there and lets me tell him whats wrong and he says i am sorry..) I go over to his house everynight and he comes to mine ever so often.
I need advice on this
He is a instructor at the karate school. The head instructor(who runs the whole school and another one he has in another town) constantly depends on my bf to help him out. During december the school was closed for 2 weeks. I couldnt have been happier. I got to spend time with my bf without the worry of karate class. He orginally told the head instructor that he quit so he would spend more time with me.
Karate class is back in session and my bf hounded his parents to please let him go back to the one out where we both live. They gave in and said fine. (I said well ok i am fine with this, it will be good to see him back)
(I hate to detour from the story but this is important.) My bf has asthma and cold weather we been having is terrible for his asthma. He did quit to be with me, and another reason was he didnt wanna make his asthma worse. My bf has a learning disability. I am teaching him to read, spell and eventaully refresh him on math. We were supposed to do this learning on tuesdays and thursdays. He hounds his parents so much that he they told him he could go back on tuesdays and thursdays to the other school to help the head instructor out. (which royally pissed me off due to that was our learning days and the ONLY days i didnt have to worry bout karate. He told the head guy that he isnt there for the 2nd degree belt, he is there to help. He was orginally going to get 2nd degree and quit completely. He caught wind that 2 of the other black belts at the school was leaving and he has a feeling that if he left the school would die instantly( he pulls alot of people in). He can't go find a real job cause the state will not let him have benefits if he finds a job. The state truly feels that he can't function completely by himself.
I have been around him enough to know, yea he can be goofy, but he is young and immature. He can grow out of that. His mom and dad want to play his condition as he is incapable of ever learning. I know dang well that he is very capable and he isnt as dumb as they make it seem.
Am I supposed to not feel left out, very angry and hurt at what he decided to do? I feel as if I am being pushed to the side for his head instructor's need for help.
I get so angry at the head instructor due to my bf isnt the only person who could teach classes. He has other black belts that are MORE then qualified to do classes. The other black belts excuses? They don't feel like it. I don't think its fair to my bf nor me that the head guy always wants my bf to help. I feel like my time with my bf is being cut to nothing because the head instructor is too lazy to get off his own butt and start training more people to help.

(now to my family for a sec) My mother hates my bf. She says he is a flippin dumb butt in other words.
My bf makes me happy and I hear from his parents that he talks in his sleep and he says i wish my gf was here... where is my gf... he will get up and walk around the house and tell him parents i miss my gf. They tell him I know, she will be here tonight. He replies, I know I just miss her. He calls me daily(I ask him to, talking to him cheers me up). We have been making serious plans for the future. My bf can always put a smile on my face. I know this prob seems so dumb but, I miss him terribly when we arent together.

1 last thing
If someone is getting married, should the bride be forced to have the groom's sister as a bridesmaid? Also, if the groom's sister had to be cared for personally for the rest of her life and has to live with the brother, would it be wrong for the bride to think that if they wanted to go somewhere that they couldnt due to his sister needing care it would be unfair to them?

I am sorry this is so long of a needing advice question, but I truly need a different opinion on the matter then that of my friends who already know my bf.

[LetsTalk]

ConfusedInLa:

It seems as though you are on the road to making a fatal mistake:

Trying to mold a grown man into what you want. (its best to find a man with the characterists you want rather to try to mold him).

Let me tell you from experience that you cannot make someone be what you want them to be...especiallly if they are not on board with the change. I really don't believe your bf is ready to commit to making change right now. He enjoys working at the school...and to the point that he perfers to spead most of his time there.

Relax and give him time to figure out what he really wants and what he's ready to work really hard at, such as, education. Talk to him about working out a plan to spend quality time together and refrain from using helping him to learn as a tool to spend time together.

Response to your questions:

"If someone is getting married, should the bride be forced to have the groom's sister as a bridesmaid?" No

"Also, if the groom's sister had to be cared for personally for the rest of her life and has to live with the brother, would it be wrong for the bride to think that if they wanted to go somewhere that they couldnt due to his sister needing care it would be unfair to them?" This one is hard to answer. I will say if the bride is aware of this before marring she should clarify her obligation to the care of the sister-in-law beforehand. The truth is you will also marry your husband's family.
_________________
"It better to be misunderstood than not to be understanding".

[ConfusedInLa]

I am trying my best to let him be himself and he comes home missing me and he gives me alot of affection. i truly am not trying to mold him. I was only going by his wishes. He has said before numerous time that he wishes he could have a job and could read, spell and do math. His mom and dad seem to think there is a total job freeze at the moment and that its useless for him to even put in a application. I know a few places that are hiring and I have asked them about it and they make up some excuse as to why he wouldnt be smart enough to work there.
I gave up trying to tell them about the jobs he could get.
I guess I am just not used to having someone who is putting something that he wants to do for now in front of me, the one he loves. I know its selfish to feel that way. I have tried talking to his mom and she agreed with me that the head instructor does need to have a mandatory meeting with all the black belts. My bf is doing it all and (from my standpoint) thats totally unfair to him, his family and me. My bf can only do so much and he doesnt realize this now, but he will get burned out and tired. The thing is he won't stop, take a breather and let others help also. If the head instructor calls he is there in a second. I understand and am just having to deal(quietly) with him always with the head instructor. Do I like it? No, I still semi feel that the head instructor is taking too much advantage of his want to help out. I feel like if I asked my bf to go out one day(and we planned this for a long while) and the head guy called, he would say I am sorry but i gotta go help him.
I don't tell him anything when he goes off everyday. I tell him I love you, see you later and force a smile. I guess its just that I am a lil jealous that I feel like I ain't a as important thing in his life as the school.
Do you think there is a underlying cause for me to feel this way?
I know I need to get to know him better, and I intend on doing that as time goes by.

I did tell him whenever he is ready to learn to read, spell and do math I will help him. He responded I wanna learn right now but there is a job freeze going on so its useless right now. I didn't push the subject any further. He is supposed to have a social worker going to his house and teaching him this stuff right now. The worker has not been showing up at all.

I am sitting here severly depressed, and I can't help but feel this is tearing us apart. I am doing my best to just shutup, let him do his thing and relax. So far it's been doing ok.



help me

[LetsTalk]

ConfusedInLa: I think there are a lot of women out there feeling just as you do. the best way to get over this feeling is for you to get out there and get busy to. this way you wont have a lot of time on your hand waiting to see when your boyfriend will be available to you.
_________________
"It better to be misunderstood than not to be understanding".